My Story: Finding God and Myself

My mom wished for a baby with dark hair and blue eyes. Although her wish was granted, she lacked the confidence to love me boldly. Her life was defined by success and affirmations, or lack thereof, and she suffered from a deep-seated depression. My father became my source of security. Seven years later, the arrival of a beautifully curly-headed sister was greeted with excitement, until I noticed that my father seemed to love her more. My father's performance-driven perfectionism became my measuring stick for success. He arranged for her to sing at a concert when she was only four years old. My insecurities grew in intensity.

I played piano since a young age and my father encouraged me. One day, as he arrived home after work, I was sitting at the piano and singing. He silently smiled and walked away. I interpreted his smile as "Good try...". At that moment I started to believe the lie that although my sister could sing, I couldn't. When I tested career possibilities a few years later with him, and pianist was on top of my list, he gave the same kind of smile, and started to talk about option three or four on my list. I erased the music options from my list and when asked at school if I was interested in music as a subject, I denied it. The surprise on the headmaster's face confused me, since I believed that I would make a fool of myself. To my surprise, the same headmaster invited me a year later to accompany the entire musical play that the drama club would be performing, as a piano soloist. I nervously accepted. I practically lived at the school, attending every practice involved with the play, enjoying every moment. It became the highlight of my school years.

Still the lie persisted; the securities I built my life on were very shaky. It wasn't long before everything tumbled out of control whilst I was in my second year of studies. At this low point, I felt as lost as I could be. I realised that my efforts to save myself from going to hell was futile. How would I ever make it? At that point, I had already tried for several years to keep up with religious praying and Bible-reading to come to a standard that would be acceptable! However, after returning from a church camp, I was bawling on a bus full of students. It is here the love of God washed over me like a waterfall, taking with Him all the unworthiness of not meeting the standard that was imagined by my orphan mindset. My life changed from black-and-white to colour, but I still had a long way to go before starting to understand who I really was.

My secret desire to be busy with music became the backdrop of every scene of my life for the next twenty years. I tried my hand at work as a statistician, then a maths and science teacher, and later as a programmer before becoming a full-time mom, but nothing brought me fulfilment. I also had a cheerful, content face kept for the world outside my home. However, when I was alone with the children, or my husband, Gerhard, came home from work, I was too tired to keep appearances up. I was depressed and miserable. I felt like a failure.

Parallel to my career and family life, another drama unfolded. As a teenager, I already had quite a bad curvature in my upper back, but after my first two pregnancies and a few years of battling depression, my abnormal kyphosis deteriorated to an angle of 90 degrees. My bent back signified everything that was imperfect. When a surgeon offered to 'fix' it, I was eager. After two major 9-hour operations, and two years of indescribable pain, I ended up in hospital again for an emergency operation; my right leg was lame after the brittle upper part of my back collapsed and tore loose from the brackets and screws that were put into my back after the operations. I woke up in a daze from the anaesthesia, but I was relieved that I could move my right foot again. Although the spinal cord had been under strain, causing the temporary paralysis, it didn't break! It felt as if I had a new lease on life. A deep thankfulness took hold of me.

During the first operation I encountered Jesus breathing over me in a moment, causing oxygen to wash into every cell of my body when the ventilator couldn't keep me from suffocating. Later, I encountered Him seated in heavenly places in a vision, inviting me to join Him in what He was busy doing. I experienced the Holy Spirit numerous times giving me courage, joy and stamina beyond what I ever thought was possible to endure difficulty, pain and to overcome. This series of back operations became the catalyst for dreaming, hoping and living to the full.

I jokingly say that I have always been happily married, but to Gerhard our marriage was very tough in those early years. He found a word of hope in Isaiah 43, which says, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Above our wildest dreams, we saw this coming to fruition as we moved across the country to Melkbosstrand and started afresh. I had been slightly aloof to my children up to then, so, when God called me to home-school them, I was flabbergasted. I was an eager 'drop-off mom', but now they were in my space continually. God used this discomfort powerfully in my life to expose selfish and manipulative behaviour in myself that I had not even been aware of. As a young married woman, I dreamt of having four children, but it faded due to the back trauma. The anti-depressants I drank for years pushed the dream even further back. Then, through God's healing, it became alive once again. Emotional restoration, two adorable boys added to the family and a new confidence labelled this season of my life "New beginnings". Bad habits like yelling at my children were starved to death as revelations from a loving Father, a capable Comforter and Guide, and my best friend, Jesus changed me. We were transformed from being a hurt family, to a beacon of hope in a community. Our open house saw many teenagers, students, hurt people, family and friends, being blessed as they visited.

During this transformational journey, the desire to be busy with music developed from a trickle to a mighty current. What was I created for? At the age of 40, with a toddler on the arm, I started with vocal training. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer five years later, I was faced with the reality of her love for me over all these years, and my ridiculous walls of self-protection to keep her at a distance. I hoped for doors inside the church to open for a music ministry, but that didn't happen. The frustration of an evasive music ministry had me sobbing at times whilst I was also trying to come to terms with my mother's illness. To my astonishment, I heard God speaking into the situation, "Where are the songs?". I was shocked! To write my own songs sounded like such a far-fetched dream, I would never have dared venture in that direction, but on His word, I took my pencil to a piece of paper and then the paper to the piano.

My first song was a poem to my mom that I put to music! My confidence slowly grew. I did a song-writing course, a professional musicianship diploma, and re-visited my classical piano training as a child. After moving to the UK in 2017, I auditioned with a US-based music ministry mentorship and management company, and signed a contract with them for two years. As my confidence grew, I learned to hear God's directions for ministry. It didn't line up completely with the direction they were heading; therefore, I didn't renew a contract with them. Prophetic words I received over the last 15 years have culminated and shaped the direction I am moving towards now. I know God has called me, and I will continue to move with everything in me towards writing songs, developing my voice and other music skills to serve the broken people in this world. A wide variety of artists have ministered to me over the years with their music, carrying the good news of a loving Father, the servant heart of our Saviour and an ever-present Holy Spirit. I believe it is time to join the squad!

Yes, I am still on a transformative journey. However, ready or not, here I come...